matthias17

and about the previous two....why not now.....why cant you do it now?

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Cant express what i feel right now.....at least i tried

I loved college when I first got here. But now I'm frustrated. At what? Do I even know? Everything is going great, what could be wrong? Well heres this: I have no way to output real emotion. Before you condem me as a faget for saying the previous stament, hear me out. Although I have met many new people and made new friends I am not on a level to have "real" conversation with them. And although just walking around the hood may have sometimes felt lame, just walking and talking, its those nights I miss the most.

Everything here is fake. Going to parties is supposed to be the best thing about college, but they do nothing for me. They are the lamest things ever (unless your getting wasted) The conversations are meaningless, the nights are meaningless, the people are meaningless. Sure its fun for awhile, but its growing lame. Fast.

The thing I might miss the most is photography. It was a simple way to express things, get them out and look at it, thinking "ok so this is where Im at." It was kinda part of my idenity and now its gone.

I am trapped, caged potential. I have no car, no way out of here psychically.
And to make this worse, Im so fucking anxious. Anxious about life. IM NOT GOING TO WASTE MINE. But I feel like im in a holding cell for life. Trapped and waiting to get into the mix.

This frustration runs deep although I hadnt felt it yet. I can mask it over easily, but do I want to?

This was going to be a one word post.....but i kept typing........dammit.....oh well

we just took a day off, went to the beach and had fun. I feel like an ass for hitting nathan with a frisbee, but in my defense it was and impulse reaction after he pegged me with a jellyfish. Good times, we shall have to repeat sometime.

So I just had to post this....I was going to get into details and weave a beautiful emotional drama out of the fabric of Livejournal, but decided against it. I couldnt find time in two days to write it so its not happening. But I just wanted to post about a dream I had, one of those long ones that takes up the entire night. It was very realistic and completely had my brain fooled. In this dream I was dying. I had an incurable disease that, although I couldnt feel the symptoms, was going to kill me in the next 2-3 days. There was nothing I could do. I was going to die. I remember being unable to sleep in this dream, though it was late at night. I knew, and had been told, that chances were good that if I went to sleep, I would never awake. So basically I went through all the steps of dying, very quickly and all in one dream. I went through denial, where I knew it just couldn't be true. Then I questioned: "Why me, God? Why now?" and drowned in my own self-pity. Next I accepted the fact that I was going to die, and finally, towards the latter part of the dream, I was anxious to die. I was ready. If this was all I had here, then I was ready to move on to the next adventure. I became excited as to what awaited me in the afterlife. And thats when the dream ends. So imagine waking up feeling traumatized and then realizing that you had completely accepted, and was awaiting your own inevitable death. It felt so real. Just imagine.

Ok guys, its thursday night/friday morning. I want to know everything we did/talked about, so post a story from tonight. I will later.









instant geometeric analyzation/visualization

So today I saw the true and mighty power of Wal-Mart. It might be hard to believe but if you've heard claims that they control your mind, then you are correctly informed. After a mere 5 seconds listening to the subliminal message death-box, Hunter felt the compulsive need to purchase something. Most people would buy a candy bar or a drink as an impulse buy, but not Hunter. The subliminal mind control and Hunter's ability to be unpredictable infused together and led him to purchase one (1) 30-pound barbell. That was his impluse buy. We can blame Wal-Mart. Can't we?
And so.....our theories and other writings have been proven correct. Wal-Mart does employ mind control techniques to get you to purchase stuff you don't need but can easily ration out in your head. So be careful shoppers, browse with cation, and does anyone need a 30-pound barbell?

 Question: What do teenagers and politicians have in common?

Answer: They will both lie directly to your face to gain your trust.

And yes that is all I feel like writing today because nothing epic happened......

Part of an ongoing work that will include a few brief moments that would be all but forgotten if they weren't recorded right here, right now:

The music was playing in my head. Or at least I would have thought so if not for the fact that Jeff too, could hear the sounds of the grand piano coming from the store nearby. Clearly this elegant music was the creation of an emotionally distraught piano shopkeeper who had grown accustomed to staying past closing to let his soul flow out through his fingertips and into his music. But upon rallying the group to investigate this slightly cliché yet romantic notion, the music ceased, blending its beautiful melodic tone into the electric whine of a fluorescent sign. A virtuoso performance created solely in my head and nothing more than that. Jeff only heard the music because I had wanted him to. It became his reality.

"The reality is we won't survive in groups, we can only make it alone." (random quote from last night's dream)

You know how some days you wake up not knowing that last night's dream was, in fact, a dream? How some days you can wake up with a feeling, good or bad, only to have it soon erased when you realize it meant nothing? Some people say that you dream most every night but do not always remember having them. Other nights you can clearly remember, as though it were a movie you just saw, exactly what happened. Well, if you go back to my original question regarding those times when your dreams bleed into reality but you catch yourself and realize the false feeling and/or memory, can there be things at the subconscious level that you never catch? If there are times when you can consciously catch this phenomena, can't there be times when you do not? This leads me to wonder how much our reality can be affected by our dreams. Maybe all the memories you can think of, place in time, and feel are real, but can't your subconscious be affected by your dreams? Just general tendencies maybe.....maybe you feel afraid of a certain situation, but don't know why, maybe a place gives you a certain feeling, and you can't figure out why. Could this be attributed to our dreams? But then again, some people say that nothing in your dreams is new, that your dreams are just built off your experiences in reality. So maybe these subconscious tendancies have some grounding in the real world, and that our dreams would not, in fact, be playing a part in everday life. I've heard it said that your dreams are just your subconscious trying to figure out the problems of your conciousness, and many people claim that interpretation of your dreams will lead to a greater understanding of your life.

Well that is all for tonight, so I now head to sleep, to dream, to be taken out of this world, and into whatever world my dreams are made in...............

I was going to write a nice long entry tonight, but it turns out Im exhausted. For some reason I decided that today's deluge would be the perfect time to go to hugeneot park and go running/workout. It was glourious, the rain felt great and I really pushed myself, plus I got to hang out in some massive puddles after I collapsed. So Jeff, Nathan, and Hunter, we need do some more gauntlets together cause it would have been lame by myself if not for the rain. Anyways its 10 o'clock and Im going to sleep, what could be better?

Well today I returned from our Senior Beach Week. It was a blast, no denying that. Sure I slept on the floor because we were out of beds, sure there was some unnecessary drama, and yes, sure the neighborhood almost burned down twice, but fact is I made it back all in one piece. I also learned a few things about myself, some that I already knew and some that were new. I came into it not really knowing what to expect, I knew we were going to have a very fun time, granted, but I'll be honest, I'm quite introverted as was a little hesitant of the social obligations that beach week would entail. I knew most of the guys there, some better then others, but I also made some new friends. But also there was very little alone time which, for me, can be very draining over a period of time. Although this entry will be brief (I'm very tired) and I will probablly retouch some of the same things later, I just have a few things I wanted to say. First and foremost: I am terrible in social situations. There is just no way around that. Even though I had a ton of fun this week, awkwardly walking around a house flitting from room to room or porch to porch is just not where I'm good. Let's play a sport, take a walk or something, because I am just not a good socializer. But I was already quite aware of this going into beach week. I mean I've been myself for 17 and a half years, I know some of this by now. But I wonder where it came from. It developed slow enough over time that I just can't pinpoint any exact moments where a change occured. I just looked back one day and realized i went through all of high school without ever going on a date, ever having a girlfriend, or ever going to a real party. Not that there is anything wrong with that persay, but it is a slight bit unusual for a guy who is tall, athletic, fairly strong, and also fairly mainstream to have almost zero social confidence. Put me in any situation where I need to perform a task, play a game, a sport solve a problem, etc. I will do it no problem, for I have confidence there. It's these annoying social situations where my self esteem and confidence sag the most. Why? Thats is a question for another day and time. And also later I will attempt to analize why I drank on thursday night, what happened, and why I plan not to do it again. In brief it just wasn't me. It was a lame attempt to get rid of the awkward feeling, to fit in, but it wasn't me, no part of that was me. But again, thats for later...................it was a great week, but I'm also happy to be sleeping in my bed tonight.

The world is now well into the age of the blogger, and though I'm late getting into the trend I have decided to keep an online journal. For many years I have kept several notebooks full of various writings, but since I nor anyone actually else reads them, they are kind of pointless. And thus I am here, on livejournal, about to write random storys, thoughts, and ideas for all the world to see. Though few will probablly read what am I am to write it is nice to have a place to dump these thoughts with the romantic notion that someone, somewhere may actually take something away from my writings, or even pose new questions on similar topics.

Most of what I write is done very late at night and when you combine that with my low-grade typing skills, you might come away with some pretty terrible typos. So yea......some of this will probablly make no sense at all, but some of it will, and thats the important part.